Spill

Ok so here comes the ranting. Some things you need to understand about me and my writing before you keep reading.... I am so hopelessly romantic that sometimes it even grosses me out. I guess I'm not going to make excuses further or try to justify myself, the vastness that is the interwebs gives you plenty of other gobbilty-gok for you to distract from my posting.

I have all these mixed emotions right now for a variety of reasons... I just moved to New York away from everything I know to be with my manfriend. He is a perfect match for me... challenges me, listens, calms me, thoughtful, sexy. I am so happy. I love our little place and our time together...

I am just feeling a little homesick at times and maybe a little lonely. I miss my friends and family. My mom and I are super close and its hard to not be able to just drive up and see her. I spent some time with his family tonight and I really like them, especially his mom and sister. At times though I worry about being compared to his last girlfriend or just being judged at all. I am so paranoid about this huge invisible chopping block... I want to measure up and be good enough in their eyes. I know I am, but I also understand what its like to be in their position and honestly I have never really liked my brother's girlfriends. It's not that they have been 'bad', but they have never felt comfortable? They just seemed contrived or uninvolved I guess.

Anyway, in the past year I also went through a lot of hashing trust issues with friends and a lot of the trust I had developed was shredded. It breaks a little bit of me everytime I look at old pictures of me and these gals, particularly my roomate of two years, but I had to give up the fight. Sometimes a bloody and thrashing battle nside my head... so much of it dredged up these silly past memories of all the betrayal. I guess I feel betrayed a lot. Sensitivity. It's a cruel trait. It weakens. It grows and feeds into insecurities... I mean of course I am over the cruelty dealt to me in adolescence, my best friends calling me a whore to each other, but the embarassment, the memory of hurt thickens a hardened place in my gut. Closing off another door, then all this the past year and it calcifies.

Ahh the cleansing. I am very happy... it's just difficult not to worry at times. To trust in something deeply. Something aches inside, but it can be the good kind like after working out after a long time being sedentary.... So not to muss it up. To remind myself that all the love and worry are ok, part of the experience is learning and life is about the experience. Spill girl spill.