On Sunday October 5, 2008 my grandmother, passed away. I never wanted to imagine my grandmother leaving this earth, but after the past months I am thankful that she is finally at peace. For the past couple of years I have watched Alzheimer's slowly deteriorate her memory and delicate frame until she slipped from this world. I could just imagine her standing at the edge of her nursing home bed saying 'don't cry for me' or 'damnit, why are you all going on and on like this'. She was always such a strong, sassy and incredibly kind lady... I will never stop missing her. Almost all of my friends from Maryland came to her viewing and I was so thankful to have them there for me, to give me strength and remind me to celebrate and appreciate the beautiful life that I am surrounded by. Even those that could not be there sent my messages in other ways to show me I was in their thoughts. My best buddies even took me out for rotating sushi and listened to me blabber on and on for hours. I love them so much! Even though I live far away now, I almost feel like the three of us are closer than ever.
I wrote a brief eulogy for her funeral which I somehow managed to get through, I think she would have approved:
All the things I would want to say about my grandmother I don't think I could ever quite put into words, she meant so much to me just as I know she did to all of you. Now that I am an adult I realize that so much of what I have become is from emulating the things she loved; good food, a good bargain, art, children and especially socializing. I want to carry on in my life her passion, her warm heart and her sharp tongue, always ready to say exactly what she was thinking. I hope that all of you take that part of her you loved the most and carry that on in your own life, that way Theresa Longo will live on this earth and in our hearts forever.
So I spent a good bit of the week feeling sad, Greg made me grilled cheese and cuddled me and let me sob all over him. He even did extra stuff around the house and saved me some really cool shows that he thought I would like while I was away. How good can it get? I worked on Monday and Tuesday, but miserably... I am already frustrated with this job and I was subbing for physics on top of all the emotional aspects. The way I acted in those two days I am admittedly a bit embarrassed about. After the first day of not wanting to deal with anything I decided that since the students were left the same problems for both days that I would let them go to the cafeteria or the library if they were finished. I didn't even check their work and the second class I knew could not have gotten anything done because most of them were being so obnoxious the day before. During that class period my boss, the very sweet and accommodating vice-principal, came in and asked me if I had dismissed the class.. akkk! I was so afraid and knew that I really shouldn't have let most of the class go. I felt like I let her down and myself down as an educator. Not that I could teach physics, but that I needed to keep those kids there and working, focused. It's just so frustrating to me as a degreed professional to basically babysit these classes.
I am just trying to create teachable moments whenever I can and knowing that I will find a fantastic job where my students and I can grow and flourish. Even though this job is so easy and gives me loads of free time I miss the challenges of teaching art and the personal connections with my students.
I am going to keep working hard and staying tough, just like my dear grandmama would have wanted. Maybe next time I will finally make a less emotional post.
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